just hanging out to dry

so this man died......
the one who was nearest
to a father
that i had ever had

i bawled
like a baby
off and on
all day, yesterday

the only thing is i had had
a mixed message memory
one of him hurting me
in the shower
when i was only
seven

only my mind
was so sure
when the memory
came back to me
i was possitive

then denial set in
and i began to doubt
who really hurt me
not that the event happened
just who it was

and still i cried
even more
and still more
and again
till i am soaked

and i think
i am done
mourning him
and yet
still
the puzzle

need to let it go
need to move on
need to be stronger
need to find a way
to be done

and yet
still
the puzzle
haunts me
in my sleep