11-13-07 10PM (date i wrote this)

spent dry

opening the can of worms
that is twisting and turning
inside of me
just below the surface
held back by sheer and utter terror

i am unwilling to move
forward or back
any prospect of movement
will split me wide open
like a rotting corpse

dead and numb
my heart beats on
with or without my permission
reeling and spinning

my mind twists out thoughts
thoughts i ignore with great skill
my gutt wrenches on
filling to the brim
the maggots eating away
at my strength to withhold myself
from bursting forth

screaming in agony and anger
for what was done
what was set in stone
that day

the only thing that settles me
is knowing
no matter what i do
this will end
that knowing brings me satisfaction
and apathy,
will to live
and reason to die,
consolation of past sorrow
and consolation of exsisting beyond it,

i faint
i stand
i deliberate the decision to take another breath
and with that small decission i am spent dry

just hanging out to dry

so this man died......
the one who was nearest
to a father
that i had ever had

i bawled
like a baby
off and on
all day, yesterday

the only thing is i had had
a mixed message memory
one of him hurting me
in the shower
when i was only
seven

only my mind
was so sure
when the memory
came back to me
i was possitive

then denial set in
and i began to doubt
who really hurt me
not that the event happened
just who it was

and still i cried
even more
and still more
and again
till i am soaked

and i think
i am done
mourning him
and yet
still
the puzzle

need to let it go
need to move on
need to be stronger
need to find a way
to be done

and yet
still
the puzzle
haunts me
in my sleep