letter to a perpetrator

i know you didn't expect to be hearing from me after all these years... how long has it been since? 25? no, closer to 35 years now... yeh, it still effects me..... no, i don't want you to feel satisfaction from that, i want you to feel shame and anger toward yourself and motivation to never hurt again. no, a heartfelt promise will not do.. action taken to make it known that you will never do this again, instead you will show your self and learn and grow to be a better person.... that will make a difference.

my life hasn't been a failure b/c of you... i have been successful at rising from victim to survivor to one who is now learning to thrive. i don't say that to make you feel any sense of relief, but to let you know you didn't win at taking me down... i am still standing despite your efforts to take me down. i will not falter or allow your voice in my life. no longer will i shy away from triggers but learn about them and deal with them and become stronger still. you never have ruled my life, even as a small child, and you never will.

when a child, i found safety inside, where you could not reach me, and now i know God gave me all it took to forget you till such time that i could handle knowing what you had done to me.... thanks be to God for keeping you out of my heart and soul, and not letting you poison me to repeat, what you had done, to my own.... God forbid.... that i could have.... that scares me deeply to the bone and marrow....

so knowing you have done this thing, to anyone, especially one so young and vulnerable, how does that make you feel??? does it shake your foundation as it rightly should.... does it make you feel you are hanging onto an unraveling bit of what is left of your sanity? do you have regrets? or are you cold and bitter and unchangeable... God forbid that be true... even i would not wish that destiny upon you..... not even i

i was full of furry and rage toward you, but i since have allowed it to surface and have thrown my share of rotten apples in your name and popped faceless balloons with your name many times... and have broken rocks in fits of rage and fear.... it took over a three year period of my life, but i rid myself of that hate i harbored for you and all others like you from my past....

i have written reams of paper with those things that happened, not mincing words but clearly delineating the fresh wounds and the scar tissue and the rot that seethed out in between.... it is out now, festered against my will, but accepted and lanced with the knife in my own hand. i am free of the childhood that once haunted my background self.... the part of me that felt twisted and atrophied due to fear of use and the welling up.... now i know the whole of me... and am working to release the small tethers that remain to allow myself to live life comfortably within my own skin.

so now no malice is here to burn you with, no scathing words will haunt your dreams from me. simply let this last bit ruminate inside your mind.... you harmed a young girl when she trusted the world and changed her innocence into fear... what was taken from you as you did that unspeakable thing and what is left now, for you to deal with like a man or a mouse? which will it be?

God forgive you,

~coral